[JPL] A PRICE MANUAL FOR ALL MUSICIANS

[Jazz Promo Services]

A PRICE MANUAL FOR ALL  MUSICIANS

Chick Singer Fines --  listed below are  frequently committed crimes  &
misdemeanors and the recommended fines....

Add five to the bottom and forward  to any drummer you know.

Setting her purse on top of  grand piano - $35
Asking the Fender Bass player to play arco -  $75
Carrying charts in a Fendi bag - $200
Using a cart with  wheels for her Shure microphone - $110
Likes to sing 'The Boy From  Ipanema' - $140
Asks the sax player to play sexier, like Kenny G -  $500
Sings the National Anthem as a jazz waltz - $215
Asks  sound guy to raise 653kHz .25db. - $100
Asks sound guy to fix the  'EKG' - $200
Singing the bridge to 'Misty' while singing 'Skylark' -  $30
Admires Darlene Edwards' pitch - $125
Admires Jonathan  Edwards' time - $125
Insists Lena and Shirley are related -  $200
Insists Dinah and Diane are related - $250
Doesn't  understand the lyric to 'Let's Call the Whole Thing Off' - $45
Doesn't  know the lyric to 'In Other Words' - $80
Knows the lyric to 'Fly Me to  The Moon' - $180
Dedicates 'The Second Time Around' to her first  husband - $50
Dedicates 'Just Friends' to her sister's husband -  $150
Announces over the PA which band members are married -  $100
Dedicates 'The First Time If Ever I Saw Your Face' to Elaine,  her
life partner - $69
Sings 'Memory' in her medley  from 'Lion King' - $45
Sings 'Memory' & 'The Way We Were' as a  medley - $250
Has a Broadway medley over 35 minutes long -  $700
Dates the trombone player because he knows Finale - $200
 Dates the trombone player because he owns a PA system - $300
Dates the  trombone player - $750
Thinks vibraphone is a new kind of I-Pod -  $100
Brings five gown changes to a Bar Mitzvah - $500
Sings  'Guess Who I Saw Today' for the Bride & Groom's first dance -
$125
Steals her 'scat' licks from Helen Reddy- $1000
 Asks the drummer to play an octave faster - $80
Dates the drummer  because he can play an octave faster - $235
Doesn't know her key for  'When Sunny Gets Blue' - $1000
Thinks Kate Smith was a Jazz Singer -  $1,000
Thinks Karen Carpenter was a great drummer - $500
Has a  vibrato that you could drive a Mac Truck through - $250
Insists that  Hoagy Carmichael wrote the lyrics to 'Stardust.'  -
 $4,500
Never knows when to come in. -  $1400
Thinks she  knows when to come in.  -$25
Comes in in the wrong key.   -$25...and looks at the pianist as if
he is wrong.   -$100
Thinks that Kate Smith was NOT a good jazz singer.   -$25
Insists that Perry Como was NOT a barber.  -$25
 Knows for a fact that Darlene and Jonathan Edwards are NOT Jo
 Stafford and Paul Weston.  -$25
Uses boyfriend/husband musician  to blackmail a Leader  - buy the
"package" or no go.  (Doesn't have to be a chick "singer")   -   $500