[JPL] 2 minute Passover Haggadah

[Nou Dadoun]

This is a slight expansion on my favorite service (which forms the basis of
all Jewish holidays IMHO):

They tried to kill us! They failed! Let's eat!

Happy Passover!

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The Two-Minute Haggadah

A Passover service for the impatient

<http://www.slate.com/id/2139825/>

Opening prayers:
Thanks, God, for creating wine. (Drink wine.)
Thanks for creating produce. (Eat parsley.)

Overview: Once we were slaves in Egypt. Now we're free. That's why we're
doing this.

Four questions:
1. What's up with the matzoh?
2. What's the deal with horseradish?
3. What's with the dipping of the herbs?
4. What's this whole slouching at the table business?

Answers:
1. When we left, we were in a hurry. There was no time for making decent
bread.
2. Life was bitter, like horseradish.
3. It's called symbolism.
4. Free people get to slouch.

A funny story: Once, these five rabbis talked all night, then it was
morning. (*Heat soup now.*)

The four kinds of children and how to deal with them:
Wise child explain Passover.
Simple child explain Passover slowly.
Silent child explain Passover loudly.
Wicked child browbeat in front of the relatives.

Speaking of children: We hid some matzoh. Whoever finds it gets five bucks.

The story of Passover: It's a long time ago. We're slaves in. Pharaoh is a
nightmare. We cry out for help. God brings plagues upon the Egyptians. We
escape, bake some matzoh. God parts the sea. We make it through; the
Egyptians aren't so lucky. We wander 40 years in the desert, eat manna, get
the Torah, wind up in Israel, get a new temple, enjoy several years without
being persecuted again. (*Let brisket cool now.*)

The 10 Plagues: Blood, Frogs, Lice you name it.

The singing of "Dayenu":
If God had gotten us out ofand not punished our enemies, it would've been
enough. If he'd punished our enemies and not parted the sea, it would've
been enough.
If he'd parted the ... enough already (*Remove gefilte fish from
refrigerator now.*)

Eat matzoh. Drink more wine. Slouch.

Thanks again, God, for everything.


*SERVE MEAL.*


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Nou Dadoun
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